Lori values relationships and is always seeking ways to improve communication skills.
Needing Support for Our Challenges
Sometimes people need a little help in life when they're faced with difficult battles and challenges. They may feel isolated and disconnected, or they may lack understanding and knowledge of their issues. They may need advice and encouragement, especially from people who are living through the same struggle. There's something powerful about a shared journey.
Support groups aren't for everyone. Sometimes you might have to try more than one until you find the right fit. I offer here a look at some elements and qualities to consider as you begin your journey of finding support. I will also share some of my own personal experiences in support groups—including pitfalls and examples of positive and negative outcomes.
The Importance of a Good Facilitator
It can't be stressed enough how important it is to have a good facilitator. It will make or break the group. They should have good training and be equipped to provide and maintain a safe environment for members.
A facilitator should state clearly what the group is about, what they will be working on, the format, guidelines, rules, and boundaries so the group functions in a healthy way. A poorly run support group can create unnecessary, added stress, be counterproductive, and sometimes even be detrimental. I know from personal experience.
Following are some strong characteristics of a good support group facilitator:
- Well trained
- Good organization skills
- Good communication skills
- Knowledge and experience with the issue of the support group
- Lover of people
- Able to create a safe environment through rules and guidelines
- Willing and able to keep the group within the bounds of those rules and guidelines
- Foster and model trust, encouragement, and empathy and compassion
- Keep the good of the whole group first
- Able to handle unplanned, sensitive situations (will cover below) or conflict
Time Limits for Sharing
Time limits for individual sharing is a must. One of the most common problems with support groups is people monopolizing the share time. Allowing a few to monopolize the time is grossly unfair and sabotages the whole purpose of the group. People get hurt and discouraged by it. A support group leader should be willing to follow the protocol they learned in training to prevent this from happening. I have been in support groups with poor facilitators where I ended up feeling defeated, that no one cared about me, and having wasted my time. Others also felt cheated and quickly quit coming.
A Safe Sharing Environment
- Healthy sharing - Members need to feel safe. In support groups people are often vulnerable, and carry deep hurts and fears. It takes a tremendous amount of trust to be involved. A group leader should explain what types of responses are allowed and not allowed. For example, the leader might instruct the members not to cross talk, interrupt someone, make inappropriate comments that could hurt or offend someone. Some of these everyone should already know and practice; unfortunately, not everyone does. I feel more comfortable when these imperatives are given. I don't want to be hurt nor do I wish to hurt others. There are many formats around, so the leader can lay out the guidelines according to the format and what is healthy and safe for all.
- Safe sharing format for trauma groups - Members of support groups on mental health and grief and loss are the most vulnerable to triggers. People who have trauma in their past can be triggered by someone else's trauma story. A safe and effective trauma support group should not have a format in which members share and process their trauma. That should be done in private therapy. It opens up all kinds of problems in a group setting, most significantly triggering others. This is my opinion based on personal experience, and in speaking with clinicians and therapists.
Respect for Everyone and the Rules
- Respect - There should be respect by everyone, including the facilitator. You probably think that's a given with the group leader, but every once in awhile you get one that's flaky and ought not to be running a support group (examples below). Members should respect one another at every level. Their comments and observance of all the rules will make the group more beneficial. Here is a sampling of rules on respect:
- Silence devices
- No texting
- All sharing is confidential
- Don't interrupt
- No cross talk
- No critisism or judgmental remarks
- Wait your turn
- Stick to the format and guidelines
- Be encouraging and positive
- If you have an objection to someone's bad behavior, speak to the facilitator privately afterward, or if allowed in group, let your words be without hostility and respectful
- No profanity or inappropriate talk
Facilitators Must Know How to Handle Sensitive Moments
- Handling sensitive moments - Sometimes members can get very emotional and break down or become very anxious and overwhelmed. The person may need a little extra time and not pushed to pull it together. Each case is individual. The facilitator should handle those moments with sensitivity and encourage sensitivity from the others. There are other situations that are sensitive, like someone who is unwilling or feels they are unable to participate week after week. I will share a personal experience below on this, but there are many sensitive issues that will come up and the facilitator needs to know how to handle them.
- Group leaders should be sensitive people - Group members want to know the leader sincerely cares and is compassionate. It's terrible to have a leader who is wooden, distant, short, dismissive, and as rude and flaky as the one I shared above. You can always tell when someone is just there for the paycheck. In my opinion, they need a support group more than the members. People have different personalities and styles in working with others as group leaders. They might show care and compassion differently. That's fine, just so it shows.
Facilitators Should Be Accessible and Accountable to Fielding Concerns
Facilitators should be accessible to support group members individually in private should they have a concern or complaint. If that is not possible, the supervisor of the leader should handle it. They must also have an attitude of openness when a member has a concern or conflict. I shared such an experience above where the group leaders responded to my concerns and took care of the problem.
If a member has a complaint about the facilitator, the facilitator should listen and not get defensive, annoyed or angry. It may happen that there was a misunderstanding, or talking it through they come up with a solution. Sometimes supervisors handle such matters and they talk to the leader. There are times when group members can behave badly toward the leader in private and she needs to know how to handle those times in the best way possible. Good training should offer ways to do so and supervisors should be available to the leaders for support. Sometimes, a supervisor needs to field the complaint.
There are also times where a member goes to the leader to tell her that something another person is doing or saying is causing them a lot of discomfort or fear. The facilitator will need to deal with the other member and not expect the person to take care of it on their own.
Facilitators need accountability, but also support for themselves. I've led some groups and I can attest to the need for support.
Tools and Suggestions for Application
A good support group will provide tools (part of the solution) to manage symptoms or life situations that members may be struggling with. Knowledge and information can do that as well as offering suggestions from the leader or members, or assignments where members can apply what they're learning or dealing with.
The Power of Encouragement
Encouragement and hope should be a staple of every support group. Encouragement is such a powerful gift. Here are ways encouragement can be offered:
- Sharing like experiences and challenges
- Listening carefully
- Expressing empathy and compassion
- Showing understanding of the other person's struggle
- Offering helpful suggestions
- Words of affirmation and reassurance
- Offering assurance and hope
Receiving encouragement can rejuvinate, motivate and inspire someone to move forward, take a little risk and a step of faith, try something new. There is nothing, no nothing like a good dose of encouragement. If a support group can do only one thing, encouragement would be best.
The Importance of Physical Boundaries
No touching: People seeking help in a support group can be vulnerable - some more than others. That's why boundaries and rules and guidelines are so important. In some support groups no touching boundaries are very important to protect vulnerable members.
Lets look at a possible touching boundary scenario that can create a problem.
Cynthia is in an anxiety and depression support group. Her social anxiety keeps her isolated a lot. She feels alone, lonely and worthless.
Todd is a fellow group member. His issue is depression that has hung on for over a year and continues to worsen. He too feels isolated and worthless.
One day in group, Cynthia breaks down sobbing. Without even thinking about the no touch rule, out of compassion and empathy, Todd spontaneously puts his hand on Cynthia's shoulder and gives it few rubs and tells her it's going to be okay. It is innocent as far as intentions. Todd is not hitting on poor Cynthia. But there is a spark. A man has shown kindness and compassion to lonely Cynthia and she thinks about his touch after she pulls it together and the group proceeds. He is drawn to her now as well. They meet after group and have coffee and one thing leads to another. Long story short, it ends badly because neither is stable enough to carry on a healthy relationship and it turns out Cynthia has childhood sexual trauma issues and Todd has an addiction to benzodiazapines he's been hiding. Cynthia is deeply wounded by Todd and the relationship sets her back. This may be a more extreme case, but it's an example of how far things can go. It was Cynthia and Todd's choice to enter into that relationship, but certainly touching in the group can create an open door or spark something that may otherwise not have happened.
Another example would be someone touches another to comfort or greet them and they have trauma in their past and such forms of touching create a serious trigger or other negative reaction. Some people just don't like to be touched.
Appreciate and Encourage Your Group Facilitator
When significant things go wrong in a group, I feel the need and responsibility to speak up, for my own good, and that of others. I've always been respectful and friendly, but sometimes very vulnerable and upset, like in the story just above. Many times I took valuable time and resources to get there and participate. I live in a rural area and if I have to pay a hefty bridge toll and gas money to get there, or pay money to take a support type of class or group, I want to get what I paid for.
After I got my peer support certificate, I did an internship at an organization that provides support groups of all kinds. I co-facilitated a few groups and came to appreciate some of the challenges group leaders face. In one group, two very toxic people did nothing but emotionally vomit on the group. No matter which positive way we tried to direct them, they continued their diatribe. My supervisor and I would be completely drained and frazzled. We'd go back to her office and debrief by talking about it, trying to see how we could handle it differently. Then we sat in silence. This took a toll on my own emotional vulnerabilities. I approached the director about doing my own workshop that involved expression through writing. It was a wonderful format and very successful.
Complaining trumps thanking too often. Helping professionals work very, very hard. Tell them you appreciate them, because after all, it is you they're serving to give you a better life. Their work goes way beyond what you see when you're with them. Sadly, they take a lot of guff from rude people. As I said, encouragement is a powerful gift, but gratitude can move mountains, clear up storms, and set us free from the bondage of misery, and everyone involved is blessed. Living a life of gratitude will bring so many blessings to you, you may not have need for a support group or other services. Who wouldn't want that? I do. Sign me up!.
Gratitude helps you to grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of all those around you."
— Eileen Caddy
© 2017 Lori Colbo
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on February 20, 2017:
Hi Dora, thanks for your feedback.
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on February 20, 2017:
Lori, very well done. This article is like a guide for future leaders and members of a support group. Thanks for sharing and demonstrating from your own experience.
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on February 19, 2017:
thank you billybuc, I'm the same way.
Paula, I'm glad you found this valuable. Thank you.0
Suzie from Carson City on February 19, 2017:
Lori...This excellent, thorough, well-written & organized piece of work, makes it very clear you have this topic in tact with perfection.
Anyone involved with being a facilitator or member of a group-help organization must read this, pass it on and Thank you for your help!
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on February 19, 2017:
All great points and suggestions, Lori! I have no tolerance for people who dominate conversations or group activities, and I'm a reasonably tolerant human being. :) Anyway, a very good article.
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on February 18, 2017:
Thanks Bill. A bad facilitator can really hurt people. I've had the pleasure of many good ones. More than bad ones.
William Kovacic from Pleasant Gap, PA on February 18, 2017:
There ought to be no excuses for bad facilitators. all they have to do is read your hub. Very thorough and to the point, Lori. Great job on a much-needed topic.
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on February 18, 2017:
Always exploring, thank you for sharing your method of dealing with difficulties.
Erick, thank you also for sharing so much of your experiences. I was really struck by your comment that after going through your cancer group you were defined by your diagnosis. I can so relate as I too have been defined by a disorder I have. I did it to myself as well as other people. We are people deal with a healthy issue, we are not the essence of the disease or whatever it is.
I think it's great that your daughter could share such a thing. I'm hoping you are well now.
Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on February 18, 2017:
This is just awesome. I was in a cancer patient group once and by the time we were over -- the only way I could think of myself was as a cancer patient. They convinced me that was my new "who Eric is".
I went home and told my sister. She immediately gather family and friends. A lot of crying but a new perspective. Family of patients need some sharing time also. My elder daughter related that she was mad at me for dying soon. We began healing.
In the few groups I have been in I was just amazed how in the proper setting people can get to the heart of the matter and move on.
Great Hub, thanks for reminding me.
Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on February 18, 2017:
This is a great topic and written well. I've found that meditation is a good way to get in touch with your inner-self. We live in stressful times and need support wherever we can find it. Thank you for sharing your own personal experiences...