The Challenge of Friendships as a Highly Sensitive Person

HSPs and the Struggle With Friendships

In the roughly twenty years since I first learned about the HSP trait, I have met hundreds (if not thousands) of fellow sensitives both in person and through the Internet. One of the most common laments I hear goes something like this: "Why is it so hard for me to make and keep friends when it seems so easy for everyone else?"

I can completely relate to these sentiments, as I have also struggled with relationship/friendship dynamics for most of my life. Until at least my late 30s, my friendship patterns were largely shaped by the meta-messages from society that I should be able to make friends with almost anyone, that I should have lots of friends, and then be able to keep those friendships for a lifetime.

In retrospect, you could say that I was more concerned about the number of friends that I had rather than the quality of them. The bottom line was that most of my friendships failed because they really didn't feel good. Something had to change.

Characteristic Divides

During several years of serious self-inquiry, it became quite a puzzle for me to understand why so many friendships I formed would start out well enough but fade away quickly.

Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that everyone doesn't struggle with friendships and relationships now and then. However, there are certain distinct challenges for HSPs, and the whole issue of friends seems more difficult for the HSP than for most people.

In the most general sense, it would seem that HSPs and non-HSPs often interpret and experience the same situations differently...and communication issues arise, even when both people have only the best of intentions.

When you consider that only 15-20% of the population have HSP traits, it will generally hold true that most people the average HSP meets will not be HSPs. This can result in an almost immediate "I really don't get who you are" dynamic, which is a rocky foundation on which to start building a friendship.

Mismatched Expectations

One of the things I have learned about us HSPs (both from reading and personal interaction) is that we tend to be rather deep people. We also can come across as rather intense. Most HSPs I have met in person dislike—or even loathe—small talk and polite chit-chat and would much rather get directly into a profound conversation about the meaning of life, the origins of God, how to end world hunger, or how to create a better world.

So small talk and HSPs do not seem to mix well. However, except for the handful who are very self-absorbed, most HSPs also recognize the need for this idle chatter as a tool to create connections. Many are willing to indulge in it to a limited degree.

The word "limited" is the key to understanding HSPs in relation to small talk and their maintaining of friendships. This is because trouble arises when the HSP's desire for deep conversations runs into a non-HSP friend's contentment with keeping a connection purely at a surface level.

The Challenge of Maintaining Friendships

Except during a period where I was struggling with social anxiety, I have really never had too much trouble making friends—it's keeping them that's the issue. This is where the mismatched expectations issue (almost always centered around depth) comes to the surface. And it's a two-way street.

After a few days or weeks, many HSPs grow disillusioned when they realize that a newfound friend is not interested in discussing anything beyond little league baseball, celebrity gossip, cookie recipes, and truck repair. The HSP wants there to be more there. One friend said to me, "That stuff is just fluff of no deeper consequence." This desire to explore in depth also tends to come across with great intensity, which can be both off-putting and intimidating to someone who prefers lighter fare.

It works in reverse, too. I believe many non-HS people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs. But while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people, it's like the novelty wears off, and they want to return to the less demanding way of interacting they consider normal.

Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity and want me to lighten up. It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."

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Either way, a number of HSPs respond by simply leaving the friendship, and quite a few complain that they seem to have developed a reputation for suddenly dropping people out of their lives.

It's Important to Set Healthy Boundaries

Other factors sometimes contribute to an HSP's difficulties in keeping friendships, especially in the long run. Not least of these is the tendency for many HSPs to have what I think of as soft boundaries.

How does this manifest?

Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural capacity for compassion and empathy. How often have you—as an HSP—been told that you are really easy to talk to? How often does it feel like people—even relative strangers—tend to offload all their problems on you?

The potential downside of ever-patient and attentive listening is that sometimes it is not good for us to keep ourselves eternally engaged in someone else's problems and dramas. Where our soft boundaries become a problem is when we realize that we really should leave a situation. Yet, we fail to detach ourselves for any number of reasons: from not wanting to be thought rude to having an almost compulsive desire to rescue people.

The Problem With Non-Reciprocal Relationships

The combination of soft boundaries with empathic listening often combines to create a dynamic in which the HSP gradually becomes someone's therapist rather than simply being their friend.

I'll be the first to admit that I am naturally predisposed to wanting to help those with broken wings, so I am sure that has influenced my friendship choices—and I know I am not alone among HSPs. And yes, I do realize that a natural part of friendship is about sharing troubles. However, when it ends up feeling like constant one-way traffic, and I find myself wondering if everyone really has this much chaos and drama in their life, I know something about the friendship is not working.

And I am sure the fact that I don't tend to say things like, "Take your issues and drama to someone else" (which I understand many non-HS people do quite readily) also plays into the picture. It took me many years to recognize this dynamic and then to learn how to gently extract myself from the role of being someone's informal therapist.

Of course, there's also the non-reciprocal relationship in which it feels like we are doing ALL the work. We make the connection, arrange all the lunches, and are generally the ones to get things rolling for the next time we see our friend. In such situations, it may be of value to occasionally take stock to see if we want to continue the friendship. If it feels draining, the answer may be no.

The "Drop and Run": An HSP Friendship Quirk

A significant number of HSPs have shared that they seem to be in a pattern where they become friends with someone—become quite close—and then something happens, after which they more or less just vanish from the friendship.

Maybe there was a misunderstanding; perhaps the friend wasn't interested in something near and dear to the HSP, so the friendship just ended, even though there was no deeper reason for that to happen.

As HSPs, we must try to remain mindful of our friendships and be especially careful that we don't end them for the wrong reasons. For example, did that friendship we suddenly dropped truly end because of irreconcilable differences? Or was the problem that we were in a state of overstimulation when something came up, and a minor comment by our friend FELT like a huge problem? Good friendships are valuable assets to have, and they do require work to maintain.

Introverts, Friendships, and Faking It

Many (about 70%) HSPs are introverts. While introversion should not be interpreted as antisocial, many introverts tend to feel that their friendships are inadequate because they compare their circles of friends to extroverts they know and feel like they are coming up short. They also see themselves as part of a very outgoing society and start interpreting their natural inclinations to prefer time spent alone as wrong, which is a big mistake.

Faking who you are in order to make friends with someone will only add to your number of failed friendships in the long run. After all, if you pretend to like lots of people and do lots of stuff when it's really not what you want, how long will it be before your inner frustration at not being yourself reveals itself?

Although it may take some courage, it is often quite important for HSPs to be willing to throw out societal norms for friendships in order to form and maintain healthy connections with others. After all, our friendships are there to serve us, not to impress the greater world!

Friendships and the "HSP Alone Time" Issue

One of the central issues in healthy HSP living is honoring our need for alone time to recharge our batteries. This need for alone time applies equally to both introverted and extroverted HSPs and is essential for an HSP's general well-being.

Alone time means different things to different people. Some HSPs have had enough friend time after a few hours but only need a few hours of alone time before they are ready again. Others can seem extremely social for weeks but then need to withdraw in solitude for a week or more.

However, this can become an issue in HSP/non-HSP friendships because most people's expectations of friendship include being available to each other all the time. A non-HSP might experience their HSP friend's withdrawal as rejection and aren't willing to deal with a friend who suddenly vanishes for a week at a time.

The need for alone time is one of those issues that needs to be explained in a potential friendship because it is easily misunderstood. As an HSP, you may want to tell your friend that you sometimes need to go away but that it doesn't mean rejection and that you will be back.

Boundaries, Overstimulation, and High-Maintenance HSPs

There's an additional context in which HSPs must stay mindful of their own needs. Namely, when you're highly sensitive, you tend to become easily overstimulated. This basically amounts to the need for alone time—again, the length of alone time needed depends on the person.

In a friendship context—even a good one—this means that everything can be going along just fine when we realize we're becoming frazzled and need to leave. Unless our friends understand—and honor—that this is normal for us, it's easy for us to be perceived as oddballs, quirky (or even difficult), or unreliable flakes when we feel the need to be by ourselves.

Thus, we must choose carefully when it comes to friends. Though I may get some pushback from some members of the HSP community for saying this, the truth is that quite a few HSPs are high maintenance by often imposing lots of special needs and considerations on people around them.

Please understand there's nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries and asserting one's needs. Still, a lot of people simply don't have the patience and determination to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn't want to participate in a wide range of activities. Nor do they have the patience to deal with individuals who insist they can't participate unless a laundry list of special accommodations and conditions is met. Friendship is always a two-way street.

Statistics and the Right to Choose

So is there any hope? Are HSPs doomed to struggle with friendships and social interaction constantly? Not necessarily. However, it is very important for HSPs to revisit and restate their assumptions about being friends with people and what friendship means to them—away from public expectations.

How do friendships happen? It seems they primarily form because of some kind of common ground. It is common sense that if your "ground" (because you're an HSP) is a little bit different, there will be fewer people who share that ground in common with you.

From what I have observed, many HSPs' distress over friendships can be traced back to unhealthy comparisons with the so-called standards of Western society. We're shown messages—through Madison Avenue, Hollywood, our local communities, and even our (non-HSP?) families—that we should have lots of life-long friends. The medical community even says that people with many friends can live healthier and longer lives. The keyword in reading that last sentence is "can." The rules do not necessarily apply to everyone.

Statistically speaking, there are simply fewer candidates who are good friend material for HSPs. Maybe that sounds defeatist or elitist, but the simple truth is that we all have the right to choose our friends. We also have the right to choose rewarding friendships that fit our needs for closeness, depth, and face time.

Fairness and Unfairness in the Realm of Friendships

Is it unfair that HSPs—who typically aren't the most socially outgoing people—must work harder to make friends? Maybe it is, but so what? We owe it to ourselves to choose our friends wisely, even if that means we don't get to choose as often as others.

Dr. Elaine Aron—who originally identified sensitivity as a trait rather than a pathology—is a big proponent of HSPs befriending their peers. Now, that may sound a bit exclusive, but the truth of the matter is that friends are ultimately a bit like our chosen family. While it may sound nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose diversified friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company.

Speaking from personal experience, I happen to like the company of HSPs, and I highly recommend finding and making some HSP friends. Maybe that sounds hard, but it needn't be. Most of my HSP friends started as friends in cyberspace but eventually became real-life friends. Remember, you always have the right to make friends at a pace that feels right to you, and the relative slowness permitted by the Internet often works well for HSPs.

When you do choose non-HSP people to befriend, be aware that maybe the relationship will have its limitations—and don't make the mistake of imposing your needs on someone who really doesn't understand where you're coming from. Take the friendship at face value and allow it to be what it is: Maybe you can only connect with Susan in the context of gardening, so allow that to be rather than dropping Susan because you can't talk deeper metaphysics with her.

It's Important to Define What Friendship Means to You

So, are friendships truly more difficult for HSPs? Yes and no.

Successful and rewarding HSP friendships ask us to be mindful and to choose wisely. We must be willing to make our own friendship rules and learn not to be upset because our friendships—and friendship patterns—look a little different from everyone else's

Bottom line: As an HSP, the first step towards better friendships is to let go of societal and familial expectations about friendships. Stop worrying about how many friends you should have and take some time to figure out what being friends with someone means to you. And it's really OK to be particular. Make it clear to your friends that your desire to spend time alone doesn't mean you no longer like them.

Try to have realistic expectations about friendships. Understand that many others will not be looking for the "depth and intensity" you might be. Accept that you can make good friends without them having to be perfect.

Resources

• Cleveland Clinic. “What Is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?” 20 January 2023. Accessed: 12 May 2023. Web.
• Fraga, Juli. “Being a Highly Sensitive Person Is a Scientific Personality Trait: Here’s What It Feels Like.” Healthline. 19 April 2019. Accessed: 12 May 2023. Web.
• Jarai, Mate. “What Is a Highly Sensitive Person?” MedicalNewsToday. 11 February 2022. Accessed: 12 May 2023. Web.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.

© 2007 Peter Messerschmidt

What do you think? How have your friendships worked out? Do you feel that being an HSP has made friendships more difficult for you?

Bri on March 14, 2019:

Wow. I never comment on things like this, but I really appreciate reading this article and other people's stories. I am an HSP and I've known that since the beginning of college. I came into awareness of this trait after going through a rough anxiety-filled transition from a very small high school to a large one during my senior year. Now, I am 25 and in my third year of graduate school. Something that I've had a lot of difficulty with recently is trying to understand why I haven't felt like I've had the genuine friendships that I had back when I went to that very small high school. In fact, I've been going through a lot of pain from friendships that ended poorly. It's bad enough that I feel like a large part of my college experience is defined by my failure as a friend. I more or less let my drive for academic success overcome my need for quiet unstructured time resulting in a short temper and feeling overwhelmed by doing the everyday sort of chores that roommates expect. I can relate to feeling like a monster, and I can relate to letting people approach you with the intent of friendship only to manipulate you and lead you to feel like you are worthless. I actually find myself fantasizing a lot about moving to the middle of nowhere small little town like the one I grew up to escape from the everyday pains I feel over the matter. ANYWHO, focus on the positives... lalalalala

Tuulikki on October 17, 2016:

@Dani Ericksson

Hi Dani! I'm a fellow hsp who is struggling with similar problems and would love to share insights with you. I hope you see this and we could get to know each other :)

Dani Erickson on October 09, 2016:

I have strongly identified as an HSP ever since my mom had me take Elaine's quiz at 10 (27 now). One of the reasons why I am so grateful Elaine's books have come into my life is because she explains so clearly why I am the way that I am. This article did the same thing for me. I have a very difficult time keeping friends. Making them has been a little hard but that is because I can be really shy...also pretty outgoing...total HSP to the core in that way.

Recently, I went through a SUPER rough patch. My 7 year relationship ended and I moved out of the apartment I was in and into a house with two other girls. I found the listing on craigslist and moved in the next day. I lived there for a year and a half and got to be very close with both girls. Megan was sweet and very accommodating (I totally think she's an HSP) but Mary...even though we were close, she stressed me out SO MUCH. She has an extremely domineering personality. Her way or the highway. Controlling. Demanding. Long story short, Mary ended up trying to get me to move out because she felt my "anxiety" caused too much stress in the house. One of the reasons that I feel blessed with being an HSP is our ability to reflect. And not just self reflect but SERIOUSLY SELF REFLECT. I feel I can genuinely own up to the inevitable mistakes that I have made. I can see my behavior, maybe not all of it but I know when I make a mistake but Mary was horribly wrong in this case and I let her manipulate me and make me question my worth. One of the main reasons why Mary wanted me to leave was because I felt unsafe with her bringing her online dates into our home. Cops were called once and there was an incident with my keys being ... what I think ... stolen. The whole point of telling this story is because I not only dropped Mary, which I felt was absolutely a positive thing I did, but I dropped Megan. I dropped two other people that I was friends with because I met them through Megan. I literally dropped these people. I had several conversations with Megan and both of my other friends that went well after I moved out but I still dropped them. This is a pattern in my life where something happens that needs to be worked through but somehow, even if the necessary conversations happen, I drop them anyways. It has made me feel like a monster. And I can't live like this anymore. I want to have healthy friendships. It's not important to me that they always be "intense" or "deep", only that the genuineness is there. That they are supportive, kind people who make mistakes just like me. I want this pattern to stop.

Anyways. The article made me feel less crazy, as all does Elaine. For some reason, I haven't reached into cyberspace for support. But right now, I need my fellow HSP's to have my back right now because I have never felt so lonely in my life.

Ruth on September 19, 2016:

@ JS Madison, that sounds incredible and I dream to have that : )

I completely relate to this article. I actually found it just when I was having a mini meltdown about how I'm struggling so much to connect with people at the moment. I only worked out this year through finding Elaine's book that I'm highly sensitive and finally I understood myself better after 33 years of living.

I make friends extremely easily, people are very drawn to me. But I've ended up very disappointed by the expectations of friendships and, in the past I'm going to say, haven't been able to state my needs.

I recently began a new friendship which looked caring and promising, however they bombarded me with texts, even after I had the courage this time to say that I'm someone who likes a lot of space and time to myself, especially in the evenings. I had to let the connection drift away because my need for space wasn't being met. I felt guilty but was pleased that I was able to be honest for the first time. I've definitely made other friendships who respect my boundaries a lot more, even without having to say anything.

I resonate with everything said in this article. I am finding that in the realm of friendships and relationships with men I am 'failing miserably' (I'm being judgemental I know, I'm just very emotional about it tonight). But I know that I am someone who loves deeply and really wants to connect. I think the first step for me is being honest about my needs from early on in a connection. I read all of the comments and I also agreed with another poster on here that it's nice to have connections that are reciprocal, where noone has to be the one always making an effort, whether it's us or another person. Perhaps some of us who are sensitive feel that more, I certainly do.

Thank you for this article and for opening up the forum. When I read other commenters, for the first time in a long time I feel a resonant energy. I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments on here and the commenter before me has given me hope : )

JS Madison on August 01, 2016:

I'm an HSP who is part of the 1% that doesn't have trouble making or keeping friends. Though, it hasn't always been that way. In adulthood I fell into a community of friends who are thoughtful, supportive, mindful people. The kind of folks who are interested in conversing about life, the universe and our search for meaning. I imagine that many of the others in this unique social circle are HSPs. These people understand if I cancel last minute, and don't take it personally, they also don't expect the frequent calls or texts that make up so much of the 'maintenance' that many friendships seem to falter without, and that I find so difficult to do consistently. These people understand that even if we don't talk or see each other for 6 months that I still think of them and care for them, and we're able to pick up where we left off when we do see each other. I count myself as being *incredibly* fortunate.

les-online on June 27, 2016:

Part of the problem for me I think is being both highly sensitive and high sensation seeking. I like fun friends, but I get too tired too easily and can't keep up and have to go home early, or bail out of things I know will be draining. I work full time and it's good but exhausting. I'm fortunately to finally have a partner who gets me and we mesh pretty well. But there's little time and energy left for friendships, and I miss having gal pals to hang out with. Just tough to balance.

Teeno M on October 13, 2015:

Hi Peter. Thanks so much for your prompt reply. I read the article you linked me to and I do see some commonalities with my friend and your definition and examples of the highly touchy person. Where you talk about extreme cases when you have provided your opinion about something and they felt personally offended that you didn't feel the same way, that was actually very similar to one of the things my friend listed off. It was very puzzling too because she seems to give mixed signals, like, she told me she knew her opinion about her favourite food was a bit biased, and I said something along the lines of I could agree with her opinion to some extent, but not so much because I knew it was her favourite thing, and then when she was listing off her feelings a few days later, she included that as being one of them.