What Is It Like to Be an Alcoholic?
It occurs to me, even after all the articles I have written about alcoholism, that many out there simply do not understand what goes on in the mind of an alcoholic. How could they? Many alcoholics do not even understand their own thought processes—at least until they find sobriety and have done research on the matter. So how could we possibly expect normal people to comprehend what is inside of our minds?
I am going to take you on a little trip. We won’t be gone long, and the length of the trip will not tire you. It may, however, exhaust you emotionally if you have a loved one who is or was an alcoholic. What is maddening about alcoholism is that it affects everyone in the family—not just the alcoholic. The alcoholic, of course, suffers physically when heavy drinking occurs, but the family also suffers emotionally and psychologically in dealing with the alcoholic, and that may be the true tragedy of this disease.
Alcoholism does not discriminate; in a way it is the perfect democracy in the disease world, allowing membership to any race, creed, or gender. If left unchecked this perfect disease is a ruthless killer, and taking prisoners is not in its vocabulary. If you have been affected by alcoholism then you most likely have read about it, researched it, and tried to better understand the disease and its possible “remedies."
But you cannot see inside the mind of an alcoholic no matter how much research you do, and so I will attempt to be your guide.
Disclaimer
There are millions of alcoholics around the world, so naturally what I say in the following paragraphs does not apply to all. However, there are a great number of similarities among alcoholics, so I will tell you what I have observed and heard from others and we will have this little disclaimer that it certainly does not apply to every single alcoholic. Having said that let us begin our tour inside a rather scary place.
Intelligent and Troubled
Alcoholics are generally intelligent beings; we would have to be to manufacture as many excuses and lies as we do. It is not an easy thing to juggle hundreds of lies at a single time, remembering which lie was told to which person. I am not saying that in jest; just stating my experience. If an IQ test were given to a group of alcoholics I think you would find a rather high reading for most. What relationship high intelligence and drinking have is anyone’s guess but it seems to be the norm rather than the exception.
We are also a troubled lot, usually suffering from low self-esteem and poor self-image. Alcohol tends, at first, to give us the extra something we need to forget our supposed deficiencies and move about the general public with our heads held high. Once the disease kicks in, however, alcohol no longer blots out these troubled memories but only intensifies them.
Well worth watching
A Feeling of Being Different
I sensed during my childhood that I was different from others. I am not suggesting that I was different but rather that I felt like I was completely detached from the rest of the human race. Social settings completely confused me (and truthfully still do) and the simplest mechanisms to get through life seemed to have passed me by at some point in my life. I did not understand how to function around people; I felt completely different and weird around people; and I lived in fear that people would find out just how strange I was. I have heard this often in AA meetings so I finally realize that I was not alone in these thoughts.
Moving from Normal Drinker to Problem Drinker
The slow but inevitable decline of an alcoholic typically starts with normal drinking although the effects of alcohol on an alcoholic could almost be described as heavenly. The first time I had a dark German ale I literally fell in love with the effects and could hardly wait to have another. That is not a normal reaction for the casual drinkers out there.
What is so difficult for an alcoholic as they move into the troubled stage of the disease is that by that time they cannot conceive of not drinking and yet they begin to understand that they do not drink like normal people. They sense a problem but in no way are they willing to admit that they have a problem; that requires a serious shrinking of ego to admit that and alcoholics are ego-driven. In the Big Book of AA they describe alcoholism as self-will run riot and that very accurately describes an alcoholic as they reach the problem stage.
Ego, and fear, prevents them from admitting to a problem, so they go about finding a way to drink normally. Adjustments are made to their drinking habits. Maybe they try only drinking on weekends; next they try drinking a different drink, possibly beer instead of wine. They are constantly searching for the key that will allow them to be a “normie.” That key, however, will never be found.
Secrecy Is a Must
Once drinking becomes a necessity and once the alcoholic realizes that fact then the hiding and the lies begin. By this stage it has become apparent that loved ones do not approve of your drinking habits, and you realize that you cannot or will not quit drinking, so the only solution is to hide the amount of drinking and lie about it.
For many this is also the stage where inhibitions break down and moral decay begins. Now we are not only covering up the drinking but we also have to cover up our behavior, whether it be affairs or stealing or cheating someone in a business deal. Now the self-loathing kicks into high gear for we not only hate ourselves for our weakness in not being able to quit drinking but we also despise ourselves for our moral decay.
Telling lies at this point is almost second nature. I found myself fabricating stories when I had no reason to do so and I know for a fact most alcoholics do the same. Quite frankly it is exhausting being an alcoholic, constantly hiding the truth, constantly telling lies and constantly beating ourselves up for our lack of character and strength.
Living in Fear
Our very existence at this point becomes fear-based. We are fearful that you will find out what we are. We are fearful that you will find out who we are. We are fearful most of all that we will eventually have to live a life without alcohol in order to survive and that is unthinkable. By this time alcohol has become who we are; we are so tied to it psychologically and physically that we cannot and will not entertain thoughts of living without it. We will do anything to protect ourselves and our disease for truly the two are so intertwined that it is impossible to distinguish between them.
The World Is Our Stage
We need control by this time in the disease. We sense we are losing complete control and so we try harder to establish control in every facet of our lives. If people do not act the way we want them to act we become angry. Everyone is out to get us, to screw us, to keep us from achieving what we want to achieve, so we exert more control over everyone. The boss at work hates us, the wife is a bitch, the kids are a pain in the ass and nobody understands us because if they did they would leave us the hell alone.
The sad thing is that by this point in the disease the alcoholic has no control over anything in his or her life. The lies have been found out; the poor performances at work have been discovered. Friends are dropping like flies and the family is embarrassed, shaken to the core, frightened, angry and considering options in life that have nothing to do with the alcoholic. The end is very near and that terrifies the alcoholic who by now is helpless to mount a defense.
And so It Ends
One way or another it ends. The lucky few find a way whether it be by treatment or some other form of intervention. The unlucky either find themselves in prison, in a mental institution, or dead. There is no magical cure for this disease, and the number of deaths attributable to alcoholism is staggering.
Without a program of rigorous honesty the alcoholic is defenseless. Without completely changing their lives there is no hope for happiness. Those, my friends, are truths.
I truly hope that this has helped someone out there who is either suffering from alcoholism or who loves someone who is an alcoholic. If my experience can help someone else, then it has all been worth it for me. May peace be with all of you!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2012 Bill Holland
Comments
Thank you Bill for sharing your story. I am truly happy that you quit and overcame your addiction. Your insights have helped me a lot so thanks again.x
I came across this article this morning and found it so compelling. I'm not much of a drinker (an occasional glass of wine), but I've always had the feeling when hearing these stories is "there but for the grace of God go I".
You are to be commended, Bill, for overcoming your addiction and for sharing it with and helping others.
Dear Bill,
Are you willing to share what steps you took to achieve long term sobriety?
Gratefully,
Carrie
Thank you for sharing. :)
You hit the nail on the head with this as I read it I was stunned by its accuracy. My own alcoholism scares the hell out of me and I've tried to be sober many times and I'm back in the beginning again. It's a horrible way to live. Thank you for sharing this
I've been dating a man for 18 months who is an alcoholic. He was diagnosed in Feb 2016 that he only has 10% liver function and if he wanted to live, he'd need to be sober 6 months. He has been lying to everyone that he's sober so time is running out for him. I love him with my whole heart and every time we get close in our relationship he rages into an argument. My opinion to get me gone so I don't tell his secret. Heartbroken is an understatement.
I have just split up with an alcoholic 15 days ago....we were in a relationship for 2 years.... I love him dearly and so do my 2 girls and I am really struggling to come to terms with him suddenly finishing things....he dropped the bombshell after we had a fab day out.....saying it was best for me if I just walked away.....He sometimes admits he has a problem, feels really depressed, worthless, doesn't want to get out of bed.... Or want to go on living...But he won't get help...... He has now blocked me from everything and I fear that he is spiralling out of control.....I have told him I would be here to help and support him and so has his mum..... But he is not listening......I have a dilemma.....last year .....he tried to cut his wrists....I am the only one who knew about it and I feel should mention it 2 his mum so that she knows just how low he has been......I know that if anything happens to him the guilt of not telling someone will destroy me....... I still love him dearly....he was my soul mate and we had a great time......I so wish he would get help......I suffer from depression so I know how feeling low can affect you..... I feel, helpless and am heartbroken.....x
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I don't know where to start. ..thank you for helping....I do not drink. ..I have struggled so trying to FEEL what this addiction must do to a person. ..I lost my son who was 28 who took his life. I don't have to tell you all the horrible things he went through and what it feels like for the family who no matter what desperate attempts to bring him to sobriety feels like. The horrible, undescribable feeling of not being able to save him and living without my son.
Absolute unadulterated truth.
Thank you, Bill, for this absolutely sobering look (pun intended) into the mind of an alcoholic. I've been completely unable to comprehend why my son would continue drinking when it's obvious to me and everyone else around him that his drinking is the cause of nearly all the problems he is suffering at present. Sadly, now I get it.
The people left in his life (all 2.5 of us) have all asked him to get help and offered our support in it. There have a been a couple moments he was almost agreeable to it but then changed his mind. It's frustrating. At least now I understand the what/why of it.
To know that you've come out of it and have written and shared this beautiful account gives me light and hope. Thank you again for sharing.
Somewhere within those 95 comments, I'm fairly sure I'm in there. In any event, I'll say something today.
The millions of individuals dealing with addiction, healing, balancing and perhaps now struggling are in reality, some of the strongest, most compassionate people there are.
Character and resolve are born of pulling one's self up and out from the depths of a hell on earth. If you have not had to face a long, difficult battle for your sanity~~ your very life, it is doubtful you can have this awareness.
Please let me comment on the families & loved ones of addicts. These are the situations & times where love & loyalty are tested. They are the moments that give way to determination & trust in a broken person striving to be whole again with the help & support of those who quite possibly have been hurt & challenged time & time again.
It is these people who embrace the addict when he/she emerges from their climb. It is my hope that if you find yourself in this position, you recognize the incredible importance of your contribution to any recovery.
Peace & affection, Paula
There have been a few times in my life I drank rather heavily. What turned me around was the fact that AA meetings bore me. They keep rambling on and on, and all their stories are the same. I realized that if I didn't get a grip on myself, not only would I be forced to give up alcohol forever, but I would also have to attend those meetings. That kept me in line.
I have since discovered ways to curb the desire to drink. The best way is to do a heavy duty sweaty workout, then take a cold swim. Afterwards, you're refreshed, and don't want to drink; doing so will put you to sleep.
Well, it happened. My fiancé passed away from his addictive disease on November 5th of last year. We were already "on the rocks" no pun intended. Although my engagement was magical and I had very high hopes, his relationship with beer and vodka had already crept back into our lives only a few short months after the proposal and everything was turning sour. He sobered up and went to treatment to keep me and save us a week before he was hospitalized. He never again left ICU. I am angry and hurt and sad and devastated. This was not supposed to happen. Neither were all the other ugly things that happened afterward. I guess in his drunken state which was constant he must have told a lot of lies and made a lot of empty promises because a lot of very mean things happened to me when he passed. I just need to hear from you that this was his choice and that he was at fault for this. I can't help but blame myself for not forcing him into rehab sooner although I have no proof it would have worked.
Please help. The guilt is stifling.
SJ
I lost the only man I loved from this terrible illness. It will be one year next week since he died and I still find it hard. I think he was already too far into alcohol when we got together and either could not or did not want to stop. A year before he died he was admitted to hospital with alcoholic hepatitis and I am not sure, as he never spoke about it, but I think the doctors told him he was dying and there was nothing more they could do. Six months before he died he pushed me away because I told him I loved him and he could not handle that. He did not think he was worth anything and did not understand why I loved him or cared so much. His best friend found him at the end unconscious and yellow. I think his liver just gave out.
Thank you for your insights into how and why from the perspective of an alcoholic. I have done lots of research since. My wish is to know whether Brian had loved or cared about me, was he capable of those feeling, he never said did not show affection and pushed me away so I guess I will never know and that hurts
This is a beautiful article: your honesty and openness is refreshing.
After reflecting on your thoughts, I'm thinking about 5 people I know who have this disease. They all have expressed this feeling of not fitting in.
They also are "sensitive" and pick up on social cues that many miss. They have a sixth sense about people and their intentions. They are gentle people at heart.
I wonder if society places so much importance on conformity, that " addictive" behavior is indicative of a societal problem.
Thank you for giving me something to think about on a deeper level.
It is true, we can't put labels on a person with a drinking disorder any more successfully as they have tried to with eating disorders or OCD or hoarding..it's not a one size fits all disorder and no two are alike. In one way, people are all 'alchoicls' when it comes to our thinking...being drunk on our own thoughts and self justifed in our own philisopihes of life in order to make sense of an insane world. This particular issue only brings it close to home for everyone involved particular. Unfortunately, the 'label' of calling it a disease could well be creating more harm than not. The original idea was that of a psychiatrist who singed the declaration fo independence..who also thought being black was a 'disease'..if that tells as anything..it is a disease' concept'...but what if that is incorrect. How much does the power of persuasion assuage the masses with comforting lies.? To even suggest it gives a person an alibi and has made MILLIONS upon MILLIONS for book sales and 'treatment' centers all of which only are a piece of a much larger puzzle. Not all alcoholics are necessarily intelligent when it comes to IQ that is testable, and even that is a bit of a scam by placing human worth and merit based on a test. Almost all 'geniuses' having something a bit wrong with them..the greatest of which create the likes of an atom bomb? No, the only way to be perfectly sane is to be totally out of your mind. With man these things are not possible, but with God, all things are possible..the Words of The Christ, the Light of Man Himself, known as Jesus, The Lord is My Salvation...The Light within you is the solution to the problem...."And the sun of righteousness will come with healing in its wings".. Micah. Frank Sinatra sang, "I did it my way"..yet Jesus said, I AM THE WAY. Woe to the alcoholic who continues to neglect the most important truth in AA which sets out to deny him and Bill Wilsons bogus revelation which was likely drug induced.
I couldn't get anybody to come but I was able to think about what you said and stopped being so hard on myself thank you
Thank you so much for your support I wanted to die I was in that horrible dark place again last night and today worst I fighting the shakes, headache and sweats is horrible =(
I relapsed I was doing so good I hate myself right now I let myself down
.
Thank you bill I got to tell how happy I feel now I don't have facebook but I can make an account I drank for 7 yrs many times too much and very few little I'm going to be 37 and I didn't want to get older and there is still so much to do but I realized that it can only happen with a clear mind and clean system.. Many blessings to you =)
Yes Bill! you know that lonely place when is just you and your life affected by alcoholism the pain and sorrow when you feel that you're dead inside we'll THAT'S where I never want to be again after relapse after relapse and it just doesn't get any better, now I think why don't I let the good just get better this isn't working at all it always takes me to that dark place.. Thank you for your help and to let us see how life really can be turned around and like you said " you are ready when you want to really leave again "
Yes it is Bill!! all worth it to change one person's life. I would love to know by someone telling us that. It would be truly awesome and rewarding !
Bill, I just was reading so of your comments here and I just noticed you used my hub, "when is enough enough". That is awesome and I thank you my friend for putting it in your wonderful hub. Between the both of us we will indeed make a difference to someone out in our world that has an addiction.
Thanks again and God Bless
I recently quit drinking I had to since getting horrible sickness from hangover I hate the disease is a chain that needs breaking! Alcohol is not and will never be your friend after you turn to it all the time, now I'm excited about my life and no longer live in terror of DTs or being drunk
A very true look into my life. I admire your honesty, for i lack it in my own. I have always feared social environments, and though i stay sober through work and other social settings (lover, parents, friends) I become so exhausted by constantly having to "deal" with social environments, im rarely sober if i'm alone. Of course this has, and probably will, lead to times where i choose to drink and skip out on other opportunities. I read a lot of the comments and realized that many nondrinkers had alcoholic parents, i envy their restraint. Sadly, my parents are both alcoholic, rarely engaging in loving interaction unless buzzed. They've binged drank my entire 22 years and i think that is my catalyst. That they loved me more when they were drunk, or i was drinking with them. I... Love my parents so much. And never want them to change. They loved me when they were sober or drunk. Cared for me. Fed me. Nice house. A car for my 17th birthday. Any gaming console i ever wanted. My disease lies not in fear of being weird... But fear of not being loved. Of being alone. It has compounded the disease, making it worse in many ways. But i believe that i will soon realize that it is counter-productive to my cause because of the simple fact that no one loves a drunk.
Excellent, excellent hub. Thank you for writing this and for giving some of us a look into the minds of our loved ones we may have never known otherwise. ;)
I wonder if intelligent people become alcoholics because they recognise the absurdities of life. I think there is strong evidence to show that alcoholics have inherited a gene to make them more predisposed to alcoholism.
Tup your uncle is prob not an alcoholic. 6 cans a night is perhaps excessive but not for a well built male with a strong constitution.
My uncle drinks 6 cans of beer every night, should he then be regarded as an alcoholic? He seems to be functioning well enough in handling his job. (He is a delivery man on his bike)
Bill, thanks for your kind words to me. That really means a lot my friend. You are so right regarding when someone comments and ask for help is so awesome, I tell them I am not a Doctor or a Therapist but I sure know how alcohol can ruin your life. I also get many emails on my Gmail regarding people asking for my opinion and that really makes me feel as if I am touching someone's life.
God Bless you Bill and stay in touch as I will.
Mark
Bill, what a wonderful hub and the video was EXCELLENT. Great words of wisdom my friend and all from your heart. I am so proud of you of what you are doing to help others. You know Bill, what you said regarding waking up in the morning not having the urge or desire to drink is me now , BUT there was that time the minute my eyes opened even after feeling so hungover from drinking the night before, my first thought of the day was I can't wait to get home from work and drink again. I am free of that worry as you are Bill and it is the most wonder feeling in the world not to depend on alcohol to live your life. I too am so very happy and it makes me so happy to write as you do to hopefully help others that are struggling with an addiction.
Your words in that video were right on Bill. Thank you so much for posting this and for being a sober friend of mine. I just added this link to my recent hub Bill.
God Bless you and yours.
Mark
i wish others like my husband felt like he don't need alcohol cuz his alcoholism is killing me i can not ddeal anymore
Thank you.
I hope my question will not offend you. Just curious, do you drink alcohol now? or you do not even look at it ? :)
Hello, I am touched by all the articles you have written. Especially this one, I was a wife of an alcoholic, I am now divorced. I have started a blog in spanish about my experience and some articles to give strength to women with alcoholic relatives and I took the liberty in translating this. I hope you do not mind and I did write who the author of this is. I just wanted to spread this article of what goes on in the mind of an alcoholic to other women. Thank you so much. The link to my blog is:
adictaaunadicto.wordpress.com/
I know that many people are addicted to alcohol. Their lives are not human being in the behavior. I hate them. They don't know how to control themselves and many bad news happened to wine.
Thanks for this reminder - insanity is a good word for it. I also see that a person has to admit they are alcoholic - and, there are so many ways they have to skirt this - my friend had a million other labels for his relationship with alcohol - I guess admitting it would mean taking action to let go of drinking and face a life without alcohol...that is unimaginable for many people.
This is a very powerful description of what this disease does to a person. I'm not a drinker, but recently became close to an alcoholic - the toll his drinking has taken on his life is enormous and I've witnessed the extreme denial that keeps a person locked in the belief that he can keep drinking like a "normie."
What a wonderfully candid explanation! I'm including a link to your hub in my latest one.
Your name kept popping up so I followed you here. I am so glad I did. Thank you kindly for your insights. My mom is an alcoholic and it was pleasantly insightful seeing it through your eyes. I look forward to reading more.
Thanks for posting this. My brother is among the staggering statistics of those who died from alcoholism and he definitely fit the profile you wrote of in this hub. He did try rehab numerous times but always relapsed and by his last hospitalization at age 45, he didn't even want us to know that the doctors had told him he was dying from alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver because he was so ashamed of his latest relapse.
Fortunately, a friend who was with him during his admission to the hospital heard him say to staff that he had no relatives. The friend (who we didn't know) knew that was a lie and through some great "detective work" tracked us down.
That last week of his life was so sad but it was also a healing time for our family as he was able to be reunited with his estranged daughter who was 18 years old at that time. He died peacefully with his daughter holding one hand and me holding the other.
I am glad that you are sharing so much first hand information about this horrible disease and are one of the ones who has been helped by effective interventions.
This hub did help me understand things from the point of view of a person who's in the throes of active addiction and I voted it up and useful.
Alcohol has touched my family in the past. It is a terrible disease. Your story will help others who are still suffering. Thank you..
I love your matter of fact style. No self pitty. No fishing for sypmathy. You simply write it how it is. And thank you for putting it out there. Not a lot of people would have the guts to write what you do. Especially about your childhood. I never realized that you are right, it does start that early for some. I have alcoholism and addiciton in general on both sides of my family. So I have seen it. And I see a lot of it in me. But I have done a good job dodging it. I don't keep alcohol in the house cuz I always find myself drinking it for the wrong reasons. I smoked socially until the day I started wanting to smoke alone. I never bought a pack again. Now if only I could find a way to live without food! Thanks again. Voted up!
And I yours, billybuc! Touche!!
A very matter of fact hub. I am going to share this with someone who has an alcoholic loved one. thank you!
And, once again, thank you, billybuc! People like you and me can give hope to the world. We can give hope of expression, admittance and the strength to survive! Again, I am sooooooooo glad I found you! HubPages has an awesome group of people. I believe we all, whether or not expressing ourselves on HubPages, have something to contribute. Something to offer. Hopefully, we can all make a positive effect on those who need guidance!
Billybuc, this is so true, but not only of alcoholism. Drug addiction is much the same, if not worse, although I think the only difference (and many times the justification) is alcohol is legal. I found myself in the same pattern years ago; I was addicted to cocaine. I, fortunately, had friends who loved me and I loved myself enough to just say "no". However, I had to move in order to do so. I moved from South Florida, where I knew with whom and where to find my poison. In order to save my own life, I moved to Central Florida where I knew not a soul. That was the only way I could just say no without depending on rehab to force me to clean up. Addicts don't want outside help because they refuse to admit to the problem. Or worse, their lies carry forth to their own minds. I'm happy to say, I've been drug-free since 1987. I do, however, look forward to a drink (or two!) after work. I'm keeping a close watch on myself and have learned that when the lies extend to your own psyche, a close look into your soul needs to be made. The challenge is being true to what you see and being strong enough to admit to the self-destruction and love yourself enough to make yourself right and strong.
Love the hub, love your honesty and your strength to admit to past downfalls. It can only do good for those who are willing to see!
billybuc, OH, you are one of those too.. so am I. It's funny the places we will run into each other.. I appreciate the rigorous honestly it took to write this hub.. I'm still scared to write about my experience, strength and hope- at least here anyway. Best of luck to you :o) P.S. I watched the video.. LOL! At first I thought it was serious but then I thought maybe I was having a bad dream. Whew.... The sad thing is, it's not too far off from the truth. Many people think AA is wrong. I could never think that because it saved my life. I really enjoyed this hub.. voting UP and all the way across the board!
Another brilliant hub with the power to reach its intended audience. Have you thought of compiling your articles on alcoholism into a book you could publish? This hub is tweeted and Facebooked. Thanks.
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