Comforting Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One: My Advice
What to Say When Someone Has Lost a Loved One
At one time or another, everyone will be in the position of needing to comfort a friend who has lost a loved one. It can be very difficult to know what to do or say. If you have never lost someone close to you, it may be hard to determine what would provide comfort.
After losing my daughter to a car accident, there were some things that comforted me and other things that actually hurt more than they helped, despite them all being well-intentioned. I do feel that after going through that experience, I can better minister to others who are going through something similar. In this article I will share some of the things that I learned in hopes that you will be able to use some of the suggestions when you are called on to comfort a friend who has lost a loved one.
Note that I am not a trained counselor or psychologist, and I have not studied the various information on death and dying, such as the stages of grief. I can only speak from personal experience and share my views after going through the most devastating time of my life.
Don't: Say You Understand
Unless you have gone through the exact type of loss your loved one is experiencing, don't try to tell the hurting friend that you understand. The truth is, you really don't simply because you can't. There's nothing wrong with not understanding the grief but wanting to sympathize. In this case, it is far more comforting to hear "I can't even imagine," rather than "I understand what you're going through," which may come across as insincere.
It comes down to just being very honest about what you can and can't understand but letting the person know that you acknowledge their pain at the very least.
Don't: Ask How He or She Is Doing
Don't ask your friend how they are doing—you can answer that yourself: they are not doing well.
This is a common thing to do and instinctively the first thing that may come to mind. While you do care and are just trying to help, this phrase does not help and puts the hurting friend in a position of saying they're "fine" even though they are not. Alternatively they could also end up blowing up and saying something like "Of course I'm not fine," or "How do you think I'm doing?"
When I was going through my loss, another father who had lost two daughters of his own told me to tell my friends: instead of asking me how I'm doing, ask "Are you hanging in there?" That is something I could answer truthfully, and by admitting that I was hanging in there it gave me a bit of strength. I have used this phrase many times since then when talking to friends who were going through a loss or divorce or illness, and it always brought a smile or a knowing look.
Don't: Force Them to Talk
There are times when a grieving person needs to talk and there are times when they just need to cry. Don't force them to talk about how they are feeling or tell them they need to "get it out." There may come a time later that they may need to talk to a professional if they are keeping too many feelings bottled up, but right after the loss is not that time. They may need you to be with them even if they are quiet. That's the best you can do in that case—just sit with them and let them know that you're there by doing that.
Don't: Tell Them They Will be Okay or That Time Will Heal the Wounds
In short, don't use any of the cliches that are typically used such as telling them they will be okay, that time will heal all wounds, that it was just meant to be or similar such remarks. The exception to this is if it comes from someone who has truly been through the same kind of loss. For example, one mother who had lost both her son and daughter in an auto accident years earlier, came to my house the day after I got home from the hospital and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You will be okay." I looked at her and saw in her eyes that she had experienced the same devastating fear and pain that I was feeling and knew I could trust her. I held on to those four words for a very long time.
Personally, the hardest thing for me to hear was that time would heal all wounds or that I would get better with time. Thinking about the future without my daughter brought fear and dread. What really helped was just to have my friends acknowledge that I was in pain and that they were there for me.
Do: Show Your Feelings
Show your feelings. It's okay to cry with them.
The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn. If you are hurting for them, it's okay to cry with them. It meant a great deal for me to see tears in the eyes of my friends. While I knew they didn't understand what I was going through, their tears meant that they loved me and that they hurt because I hurt. The tears of a friend also gave me the freedom to let it all out and not apologize or try to control my emotions when I really just needed to cry.
Do: Talk About Their Loved One
I can only speak about the loss of a child but right after the loss as well as now, it makes me so happy to hear one of my friends talk about my daughter and especially to say and hear her name.
It is normal for you to feel like you will upset the hurting friend by not bringing up the loved one or trying to make them think about something else. However the truth is that it is actually comforting to hear someone speak about the loved one. Right after my loss and even more so today, it gives me such joy to hear someone talk about my daughter and especially to say and hear her name. I'm not sure why hearing her name is so comforting but I have talked to several other parents who have also lost a child and they have reported the same thing. It may be that after losing a child, a parent has a fear of the child being forgotten. This way, she or he is kept alive and remembered through the conversation and memories.
Do: Continue to Be There for Them After Everyone Else Has Gone Back to Their Normal Life
The weeks following the accident were filled with cards, visits, phone calls but as the weeks turned into months people just normally go back to their daily life while the hurting person is still hurting and in need of those same things - cards, visits and phone calls. The first few weeks I was in shock and although I was hurting I hadn't completely grasped the loss or the loneliness. As the brevity of the event sets in I needed those things more than ever and I am thankful for the friends who have continued to minister to me even to this day.
My Beautiful Daughter Kristi Marie
Do: Contact Me If You Need Support
I have mentioned several "don'ts" in this article, and while I hate to use such a negative connotation, it's important that you understand what may not help in this type of situation. More than anything else, I want to be honest with you so that you can really minister to your hurting friend.
If, on the other hand, you are reading this article because like me, you are going through the loss of a loved one or even a child, please know that you are not alone. Please email me if you have lost a child—the thing that helped me the most was being able to ask questions and to talk to other parents who knew the emotions that I was experiencing.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
Comments
Nsikak Andrew on June 27, 2020:
Words that comfort bring healing to the mind.
Abeba Bekele. Abebabl87@gmail.com on March 04, 2020:
I want you to contact you through email
Tyrone meggett on January 15, 2020:
I lost my wife of 24 yrs march 5th 2019 to her battle with breast cancer, our anniversary is Jan. 17, 2020, I wanna die to. This was my first thanksgiving, Christmas, new year my birthdate was jan. 10, right now I can't type because my eyes hurt from crying, being a ex-marine didn't prepare me for this. I'm going to trust in the lord, but it hurts sorry can't finish pray for me.
Matthew on December 12, 2019:
Amy, I know how you are feeling. I lost my mum suddenly and in a very harsh and shocking way. As she was healthy but she lived with epilepsy most of her life. She passed away at 54 years old through a seizure while having a bath. She was so happy and full of life and loved to share her love and faith about Jesus in a kind and respectful way. I struggled through trying to remain cool, calm and collective while emptying the bath water and trying to lift her physical body out of the bathtub. I even done CPR and mouth to mouth resuscitation but it was far to late, her body was cold, purple and very tense and stiff. The results from the autopsy came back as an accident as they comformed it was a epileptic fit. But for the youngest son and my father to go through this. Caused me to go through deep deep depression and to learn how to be happy all over again, which I still struggle. My point is I still break down crying and thats okay we have to learn to cry and feel all these emotions, that I still find me having that empty and sad feelings that I try and kept it to myself because I feel like a burden sometimes If I talk about it with someone who has not lossed a close loved one and I dont want to make others feel akward. But we need to feel these emotions so we can grow, gain more wisdom and help others that are going through what we have been through. so we can help those that need to heal. My advice is to learn how to appreciate yourself. The positives and the negatives about yourself and your life, and turn it beautiful and magical. You owe it to yourself to be in a happy, cheerful and peaceful state of mind. Learn to LOVE all of yourself and your life. How far you have come through the ugly dark times of life and all your loved ones that are still in your life and reguarly check up on you. As well as all the beauty that still surrounds us like the wind, the sun, the rivers and oceans the land with all the trees that make this world beautiful. Never forget that you are Always LOVED by the Creator of the whole universe and everything that was created within the universe. Wheather you want to call the One as God, Jesus, Elohim or to refer to the Creators other names. I want you to know that God will NEVER STOP LOVING YOU. Even if you struggle to believe in God or Love him. The TRUTH is that we all share a little part of God within our beings when he created us in his Perfect LOVE. Which we are perfect to him even through our earthly mourning and suffering, He sees Beauty within all of us. I know it seems like God has done this to you. but he has not as he LOVES all humans when he created us. We just dont quite understand why we feel so lonely or depressed or traumatisted after a huge impact in our earthly lifes. But the Creator does understand much more than we can percieve. We need to seek guidance, protection and Divine Love from our Ceator and to find the Fathers Universal LOVE & LIGHT within your heart as well as the Love of your love one that shares a part of your heart with you while separated in this life.
Amy on June 24, 2019:
My mum died this April 2019, partially expected as she was in a nursing but pretty fine. She got a blood clot in her leg that became infected. Was admitted to hospital and 23 hrs later she died. My oldest sister who looked after all mums affairs with my help suddenly died 6 weeks later, after 2 weeks in intensive care with a blood clot to the lungs, lots if complications. She died. Devi stated she has 21 yr old son. She ran the house my nephew and brother in law are devistaed to say that he least. I cook and take them meals but I'm lost and grieving also . I just wanna help, my nephew cries when he sees me and my sisters as it reminds him if his mum... seriously 2019 can get .,,,?!$&. Mum and sister gone 6 weeks apart??? Surely I wasn't that bad if a kid to be punished like this.. there ain't no god!
oneemptyhart on February 22, 2019:
I just lost my wife my love of my life she was my everything she died January 28th 2019 and I am grieving a lot she died in her sleep
Pauline on June 20, 2018:
Hi Maria Silva. I am a 51 year old woman and I too lost the love of my life. We were together 35 years of my life and I totally feel your pain as your story is exactly like mine. Steve was the center of my world I am extremely gategrateful
Meschill (author) from Central Texas on April 14, 2018:
I am so sorry that I have been away from my computer due to health issues and have gotten behind on my comments. I will reply to each comment in the next few days. Meanwhile please know that I am praying for each of you.
Maria Silva on April 12, 2018:
I lost my soul mate...he was the greatest friend husband a women desires...he loved me like God instructs a man to love a woman...l loved him back as well....He suffered previous relationshipswith unfaithfulness and abuse...l did as well in a 24 yr relationship...He and l had fall in love 30 yrs ago but people interfered in our love ...l was 19 he was 33 ...Now we met again ...we were together once again and married...my children feel in love with him becuz they never saw Mom so happy and well taken care of...his children as well love me and couldn't believe how well he looked and happy he was...We were together 5 yrs..and he died in my arms after a massive heart attack...l was told later that he was told this would happen...becuz he was a war hero affected by agent Orange...and had 3 previous heart attacks...l took well care of him but damage was done and he didn't want me to know what Dr's had told him...he never wanted to worry me but made me the happiest woman ...l got to know what true love is...becuz he was my true love....now me 55 yrs old...l going thru so many changes.....missing his beautiful laughter that brought me so much joy...now l don't believe there is another soulmate for me....l stand firm with Gods promises and everyday l ask Him to feel my empty void....l know l will see my dear sweetheart again in a better place...but meanwhile l need godly comfort from other people who can related to my earthly pain.... God bless u for your time.
Jessica on February 27, 2018:
Hello my name is Jessica I need some one to be a friend because my mom passed away 2 years ago now my dad is dying
Jodie on January 18, 2018:
Thank you for sharing.
Your Kristi Marie is a beautiful girl! May God fill you with overwhelming peace when you think of her.
bill on August 26, 2017:
lost our son almost 4 years ago only 24 all due to drugs if i every find the peoson all bets r off please people pay attention to your own situation it is too late late to say i love u when they r gone henst when i end conversion i always tell ones i love i love u i cant express my feelings of your loss by the same token i cant tell you of my sons loss to us please be safe and know the r those who care
Luby on August 21, 2017:
What a beautiful girl. I just lost my brother in law. Didn't know just how much he meant to me until now. I wish I could have told him or been there more for him.
Tears of a Black Angel on August 13, 2017:
My uncles is dead, my cousin is about to get married, and my aunt is completely depressed. I don't understand how to go about talking to them. I don't even feel anything after my uncle died. I feel like a monster.
Myra Deleon on August 11, 2017:
Is so true all your words.
Is almost 3 years since I lost my dear daughter, and still hurst like the first moment she stop breathing.
How can I manage? I don't know ... is hard , and my condolences
☹️ on August 08, 2017:
My best friends cousin passed away.Its already gonna be 3 months without him. And since she was born she has this little whole in her heart so if she cries alot theres a possibility that she may die.Her cousin was 15 y/o and he died because someone shot him in 3 parts what am i suppose to do if none of these tips help her?
C Smith on June 30, 2017:
My sister in law just lost her husband to suicide earlier this month while they were both home. She's always been the kind of person whos always encouraging and motivating, really intelligent, and most of all loving, caring, kind, and patient to listen to everyone in her life amd always willing to help. I guess im wondering what to do to help her while also living two hours away from her. And to help myself. Im hurting quite a bit due to whats happened to her.
Tabitha on June 20, 2017:
I loose my brother baby yesterday
TrumanTheDog on March 02, 2016:
Hi - I'm 53 and my fiancé's is also 53. Her daughter died suddenly two weeks ago. I am wondering what to expect and how to act/react. My mantra has been "Life will go on - it will be different for sure, but it will go on". I've also having been saying "Let's live in the truth" when she says she doesn't want to go on. Again - what am I to expect and how do I act/react?
lily on March 08, 2015:
My father i miss him so much he passed away from a heart attack wen i was 12 but apparently the older im getting the more it hurts me i miss him so much he was sweet kind the best dad a,girl can have i just Don't understand why God will permit this if he loves me why will he permit this to happen to me i suffer so much im going to be 26 i miss my dad more then ever i wasn't even ready for his death it just happen overnight
suzanne plummer on February 11, 2015:
I lost my daughter in 1999 in a car accident. No one can really understand what you go through unless they have walked in your shoes. Now I have lost my nephew last weekend and I am trying to write something inside their cards I am lost for words. It has brought up so much pain for me . My husband and I have been the rock for them threw this. Now I am ready to have a melt down. I was very nice to read your post ad truly sorry about your daughter. Take Care
Nitin Pillai from Mumbai, Maharastra, India on October 18, 2013:
I always try to comfort someone who has lost their loved one. But the truth is, time, and only time, can heal those wounds.
Francis N Mbugua on September 02, 2013:
Thank you very much for writing such an encouraging n comforting article in times of sorrow.
Jennifer Suchey on July 11, 2013:
Thank you for this much needed article. My cousin and his wife just lost their son and the funeral is on Saturday. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child. It seems like it would be the deepest pain one could ever experience, so I really feel for both them and for you. Your daughter is beautiful, by the way.
I have, however, experienced a pretty deep trauma that I'm still trying to recover from and feel that in some ways your advice relates to other sorts of trauma. People have tried to help are often not sure what to say. I finally figured out that there's really nothing could say that will ever make it all better. It just is what it is and I have to somehow figure out how to go on with life.
The best thing for me, as well, was to talk to others who have been there. Thanks for sharing your experience of what works and doesn't. God bless you and your family. Kristi will not be forgotten. ;)
Eric on May 18, 2013:
Finding your website was a godsend. Even better, Dr Obas, you’re the most considerate and compassionate man I know. I was so down after being loveless for almost five years. I requested a love spell and, amazingly, it worked! Next week I will marry the greatest woman alive and I think it’s the real thing. To thank you,obassspiritualtemple@gmail.com, would not be enough, considering what you’ve done.
Meschill (author) from Central Texas on March 20, 2013:
I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you.
Meschill (author) from Central Texas on March 19, 2013:
Thank you all for your kind comments. I thought that I received these by email but haven't. I am so surprised that comments are still being made and I wish I could comment personally on each one. I prayed for all of you this morning and I hope that God will continue to use me in some way. I've gone through a time where it has been hard for me to write and I have struggled with questions and the reality of the pain that does not go away. I know that God is faithful though and that He will guide me. I wanted to share something I wrote and ask for your prayers as we try and follow Gods plan and hopefully a new ministry.
http://thetatteredhankie.blogspot.com/
Meschill
Stellar Phoenix Photo Recovery on March 07, 2013:
Long time follower and this is my first time posting. I’m not so good at this but; that your blog is very discerning and Im always looking forward to your new content.
DEANNA on February 26, 2013:
i lost my youngest son to a child bone cancer at age of 28 dec. 2012 on the 8th day , day after his birthday. yes it the worst thing i will ever go though is a lost of a child. brian found out he had children cancer at the age of 22 (2007). he went though alot in his young life, everything u talk about is so true.. it takes me all day to dust pictures of him, when it use to take 20mins.i will never be the same again, no matter how must time passes... just trying to understand why he had to suffer so ...
Cherokee64 on October 21, 2012:
This is a very well written hub. You have touched on everything that I can remember with the "dont's & do's" . My little brother, (who was more like my child) passed away at the age of 23, following him was my best friend & sister , as well as her 6 year old son, then, following was my other sisters only son. My parents are amazing in their strength and continuous faith in Jesus Christ. I felt compelled somehow, to add a post to this, can't explain it. As for the pain and hurt, I had to find a place, inside my head and heart, to put my feelings and thoughts and memories concerning my much loved ones, and touch on only briefly, until I could cope. I was afraid of forgetting if I didn't think of them often. I believe otherwise I would have lost my mind.
Joyfulgrandma on September 03, 2012:
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:6 - 7
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1
Jessey Carlton on August 27, 2012:
I will never forget the great work of Dr. OMO in my life. I was terribly ill and the doctors confirm that I can’t be healed completely for this I was frustrated and my increases as time pass on. When I meant Dr. OMO online I discuss my situation OBESITY with him, and he said nothing is impossible. He ask me to send my photograph which I did and he bought some materials which he used for me and I was able to regain my normal health after a week. When I went to my doctor for check up he was surprise and said unbelievable that my health is normal and my body weight equally normal. My greatest thanks to Dr. OMO if you which to contact him, his Email alteroffiretemple@gmail.com
Sam on August 06, 2012:
My mom and dad and my brothers and sisters all 10 of them died by the 2004 Tsunami when i was 11 years old and now i am 18 years old
Kristen on June 27, 2012:
Thank you for this article. I am going to the visitation for a good friend of mine, who's son who was killed in an accident. All of this was helpful information.
Sarah on June 27, 2012:
My friend has just lost her partner. One week ago he had a massive heart attack and died in intensive care. They were due to married in 11 weeks time 2nd marriage for both of them. His sons from his 1st marriage have treated my friend so badly. Not allowing to help organise funeral ,made her leave his flat even though she lived there 6 days a week for last 12 months. She is coping with losing the love of her life and now this awful behaviour from his family. Even though his family had not set eyes on him for last 2 years. It breaks my heart to see my friend going through this :o(
Type 1 Diabetes from Cheshire on June 13, 2012:
Kristi is so beautiful. I say this in the present tense because she is still around. Her photo is absolutely gorgeous.
Babs xx
Jasmine on June 09, 2012:
My husband is losing his grandfather to cancer related illness. Thank you for your article to help me help him, though I too will grieve for him I have not had to deal with this form of death and was at an utter loss. Thank you also for the bible verses. I will be embroidering one of them into a quilt for my mother in law and grandmother in law.
eve on May 26, 2012:
In 2007 I lost my older brother to car accident.On May 12 2012 i lost my 19 year old baby brother to another tragic car accident. There were 4 other people in the car including my 22 year old brother who all survived. Though I am very grateful to God that one of my brothers survived I am still very upset that my baby brother died.
The pain is still very strong. I do not know how to move on. What makes it even worse is that I was not able to attend funeral of both of my brothers because I live in a different country.